grief

For those of you who don't know, my dog Sam passed away June 22nd around 2:30am. He had been feeling fine on Sunday morning, but started acting funny in the afternoon. We all thought it was something he ate, and after awhile, he seemed to be feeling better. I went into my parents' room around midnight to check on him & say goodnight, and just a few hours later, was awoken by my mom to let me know he was gone. To say I was shocked is an extreme understatement. To say I was, and am still heartbroken is an even bigger one.

We weren't sure what had happened, but after talking to the vet (on Monday morning when we took him out to be cremated, and then again this afternoon) we know that he most likely suffered a heart attack sometime on Sunday, which led to heart and kidney failure. The vet assured us that even if we had taken Sam to a vet, they wouldn't have been able to do anything other than putting him to sleep. The only comfort we can take is that it was fast, painless, and peaceful (he was asleep on my parents' bed), so he didn't suffer.

If you've never had, loved, and lost a pet then it can be hard to understand why I'm so devastated. Yet even though I've had to go through this grieving process many times before, it's different this time. Sam was an amazingly special dog, one I'd raised, trained, taken care of, and loved since I was 12 years old. He had a great personality, was extremely friendly and loving, and was very smart. And even though he was 12 1/2, we all expected to have at least a few more years with him. It's still hard for me to believe he's gone - that I'll never be greeted by his smiling face and wagging tail when I get home from work, that I won't be able to go swimming with him this summer and have to chase him around the backyard to dry him off, that I'll never hear his happy bark when asked if he wants popcorn (his favorite treat), that I'll never have the silent comfort of him sitting by me on the couch with his big head in my lap. I've spent the past few days going back and forth between states of disbelief, numbness, and extreme sadness. I know that it will get better in time, but I also know that I will never stop missing or loving the best dog in the world, my Sam.